Me, Today, Fail


Today’s broadcast brought to you by the number 2.

Today began at midnight. Well, duh, right?! No, I mean, Handsome was still up at midnight last night. Not just up. Laughing maniacally.all.night.long.

It just so happens that there is a hallway light switch just outside of his bedroom door. We have to stack two baby gates in front of his room. But he’s able to reach the hallway light switch and flip it on. And off. And on. And off. And…..for hours on end.

Let me back up a wee bit. Sunday morning, I took two of my boys to South Carolina to meet up with some friends for the solar eclipse viewing. Hubs and Handsome held down the fort while we were away. We ended up having a sleep over in our hotel room with a couple of our friends and I had to share the bed with my youngest boy, Captain. He’s a horrible kiddo to try to sleep next to, especially when he sleeps perpendicular in the bed and flops around and tries to use my chest as his pillow. Needless to say, I did not sleep well that night.

After a long, hot day waiting for the eclipse, we hit the road as soon as the darkness had passed. We had intentions of coming home Monday night but traffic was so horrible that we took smaller roads away from the interstate and ended up heading west to stay at my brother’s house instead of fighting the northbound traffic. We arrived at my brother’s house close to 10 pm on Monday. An opossum had managed to get stuck behind the dog house at my brother’s house, so the dogs barked all night long. The dog house is right behind the guest bedroom window. I did not get any sleep. Tuesday we travelled home.

All I wanted was to go to bed early and sleep hard. But Handsome had other plans. Still bouncing around his room and laughing at midnight and throughout the wee hours, I barely got any rest. That makes three nights in a row that I got a collective four or five hours of unrestful sleep.

The hubs was out the door to work before 6:30 this morning. As soon as I walked downstairs, I regretted that I did not force myself to check on Handsome in the earlier hours.

Had I done so, I might have known he had a dirty diaper.

I have no idea what time Handsome finally went to sleep. But he didn’t start waking up until close to 11 am. Now, if you know him, you know that is about five or six hours past his usual wake up time. So I’m thinking he probably went to sleep around 4 or 5 am.

So, all morning long I’ve got this incredible anxiety about how horrible this mess will be to clean up. I tried waking him up several times and thought I could try to change him while he sleeps. But I know better because he weighs 100 pounds now. I was pretty certain I was going to want him to be standing in the bathtub when I pulled that diaper off.

Finally, around 11 am, the angry beast rolls out of bed and brings his bad attitude with him. He was more than a little on the grumpy side…I mean, wouldn’t you be if you had to sleep with a grumpy in your shorts?

Much to my surprise, the diaper did not leak! I was absolutely certain this meant the day would be awesome.

And then autism showed up with a double header.

I won’t go into all the other autism details, because the one boy doesn’t like it when I share too much about him, and I respect that. So I’ll just say that he had an obsession that went out of control today and consumed a couple hours of the day, shifted the entire day’s activities, resulted in forgotten chores, extra workloads on the rest of us, and fuming anger from all sides. It was not a pretty day.

I finally got around to starting a load of laundry in the afternoon. Did I tell you that the shorts Handsome wore to bed last night have some pretty tight elastic around the leg openings as well as lined with rubber to make them waterproof? I can tell you in hindsight, that’s an important detail you don’t ever want to overlook.

When I changed Handsome’s diaper this morning and saw that the diaper hadn’t leaked, I was all too happy to just toss his shorts in the laundry bin. Now, you would think…deep sigh here…YOU WOULD THINK that in all my years of mastering these diaper tales and earning my PhD in Poo, that at the minimum I would have searched inside of those tightly wound up elastic shorts for any stragglers hanging around, RIGHT?

Well, I didn’t.

By the late afternoon when I was able to toss the laundry into the washer, I was no longer thinking about the elastic shorts and poop and PhD’s in Poo…I was still reeling in from the other ASD meltdown and cursing the creator of Minecraft and MODs and Youth Digital.

Having said all that, you would think…another deep sigh here…YOU WOULD THINK that in all my years of mastering these diaper tales and earning my PhD in Poo, that at the minimum I would have searched inside of those tightly wound up elastic shorts for any stragglers hanging around, RIGHT? ESPECIALLY when I opened up the washer and something smelled amiss.

Well, I didn’t.

I was in a rush. I barely had time to run down to the basement to toss the clothes in the dryer and start on a second load of laundry. So I let my busyness override the common sense here. And I justified the odor I smelled to the sump pump that sits right next to the washing machine. If you’ve read my other blog, then you’d know the sump pump has a story, too.

So I tossed the laundry in the dryer and started another load in the washer. Again, ignoring the foul odor and blaming it on the sump pump. Sigh.

Fast forward…hubs came home from work, we had to hash out all the gruesome details of all the poop and meltdowns from the day, we had dinner, and then I remembered the laundry. Completely oblivious to all of the stuff I blatantly overlooked earlier, just ready to fold some laundry and dry the second load before midnight, because I really want to get into bed at a reasonable time tonight.

And when I opened the dryer door, three…count ’em…three…ONE, TWO, THREE turds dropped out of the dryer. And when they did, the torrent of sweltering, hot, baked in the dryer poo wafted in the general direction of my face.

So, I slowly pulled out each piece of clothing searching it for poo as I tossed it back into the washer. And then I started the washer on a sanitizing cycle. And then I had to clean out the dryer twice because it was still stanky after the first cleaning.

And here I am, trying to decompress as I wait for the washer to finish up a 2-hour washing cycle. The Handsome boy is not even close to thinking about being tired tonight. The hubs and two boys are reading together at the dining table and I’m finishing up my 3rd cup of coffee tonight as I reflect on the events of the day.

If only I had checked on the boy just once or twice anytime between midnight and 5 am. If only I had checked the shorts for poo. If only I had searched the laundry for poo before tossing it in the dryer. But worse than all of those regrets, is realizing that my fatigue interfered with my ability to parent well today. Here’s to apologizing to the kids for an entire day of failed parenting and hoping I can pillow my head tonight and rest. Here’s to an epic fail towards my Masters in Poo. And here’s to knowing that tomorrow will be a brand new day.

Good night, I hope everyone can rest well tonight, and it is my most genuine wish for all the world that no one has to sleep with a grumpy in their shorts.

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